Are you open about your depression or do you prefer to just keep it hidden away with every other emotion? I remember being in denial and refused to accept the fact that I was depressed. I've seen therapists since I was 12 years old and not once did I want to accept what they were saying about me. I was under the impression that the only reason why they said I was depressed was a reason for them to either push medication on me or get in my head. I never cared to speak my emotions and harbored every feeling deep inside me. So deep that I felt emotionless, heartless and just downright cold.
Well I can't really see cold because then that just makes me sound like a bitter person. But there have been times where I did feel that way. Depending on the situation, if you were expecting something from me to show I was alive, you weren't going to see much. Growing up, I had told myself that if I show any sign of emotion in anyway or even spoke about how I felt, it was going to get me in trouble, show that I was somehow weak or no one would help me. Since childhood and into adulthood, I had dealt with a lot of abuse and bullying from everyone. I never once felt that I had someone I could talk to. That feeling of not being able to speak how you feel really did a number on me.
I felt alienated, neglected, unloved, mistreated and more. All negative and not one thing positive. I not only learned to bottle my emotions, but I then began to bottle everything up. You couldn't get an answer out of me if you had asked how I was doing. If I did respond, I'd like and say I was good when in reality I was crying for help. This continued on into my teenage and young adult years. I remember when it had gotten to a point in life where I was talking about suicide many times, I even tried to attempt it...
When my oldest was born, depression seemed to kick me in the ass the most. The feeling of having to raise a child on your own while you are married to someone was awful. It didn't help either when my parents at the time didn't socialize much with me because of a certain someone. I was alone and I had no one. I raised my oldest by myself and it was hard. I was only 17 years old. With the stress from parenting and then my ex husband, my depression got worse over the year or so. I was emotionally unstable and I couldn't handle what was going on.
I had no one to go to, no one to talk to and with all of the abuse going on as well, I was lost. I felt like a worthless human being, alienated, neglected, mistreated, a piece of shit, the worst mother possible. I felt so many negative things about myself. I would cry myself to sleep each night, I'd go into the bathroom and sit on the floor. While on the floor, I'd cry so hard that tears no longer formed. The hair on my head would get ripped out of my scalp because I wanted the pain as a way to feel something. Suicide felt like the only option for me. There were many times where the ex and I had gotten into fights and I would talk about killing myself.
It did get to a point where I did admit myself into psychiatric voluntarily and to be honest, I felt at peace being there. It was the perfect escape from everything my ex was putting me through and I felt safe. Safe enough to where I slept well at night, I felt happy and free! I wasn't there for long though... I did seek therapy right after, but that didn't last long either. This is where I started shutting down and once I shut down, I wasn't the person everyone remembered me by. I become someone else, someone that not once spoke about how they felt, not once spoke about what was going on. My feelings were mute...
(To be continued)
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